HELLO!
It’s me—your Master. I thought I’d write you a letter today because I see you’ve been wanting to hear from someone. You’re probably lonely and think that no one wants you, but—I want you! You scum, you moron, you lazy cheating, useless piece of dirt, cheer up, you are mine! I want you to spend eternity with me, that’s how much I hate you—you idiot! I laughed the other day when you used God’s name in a bad way, but I jumped up and down when you screamed, “Jesus Christ” in anger! I love it when you disrespect His name! Keep up the good work, you moron! Ha, ha, ha—did I ever put a smile on your face when I sent those girlie magazines down to your house. It made me happy to see you turn into a perverted lunatic, as you stared at each page. Women! Tell them you love them, use them, and then forget them. It is all that they are good for—that’s what I say. Forget those crazy ideas God has, that you should be married to one woman and be faithful to her. My way is more fun, even if you do get a disease. Use all the women you can and leave them. I’ll be sure you find out who is selling weed in your housing unit—be sure to buy some, you dope! Get high, feel a buzz, even if it only lasts a moment. Don’t forget—you mental midget—you’ll be with me for eternity. You fool! I saw you look at a Bible one day. It almost made me vomit. Leave that book alone—don’t even touch it—let alone read it. And don’t ever listen to them Bible thumping Christians! Stay away from them. You scare me sometimes, my son, I get scared that I will lose you. I want you with me—I don’t want to burn forever without you. Christians call what Jesus Christ did on the cross, “Good News,” but to me it is bad news because those who believe it won’t be with me. It worries me. I don’t want to suffer by myself. I hope to see you real soon, ha, ha, ha!
Your Friend, Satan